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| IF THIS AINT YOU IN THE NEAR FUTURE READ THIS |
Let’s not lie to ourselves, you know things have
changed when there is a... let’s call it a paradigm shift regarding the
discourse of marital expectations in your immediate community towards you.
(This is just to show that my government gave me a good education after the
colonialist regime that oppressed African people refused to do so. I must
henceforth, therefore flex my intellectual muscle to honour that and thrust
this upon the dear reader my mental capabilities) The shift comes like a
cold northern trade wind, and in the trade the “psst psst sisi” you used to
receive from men completely beneath you, turns to “ndeip mothaz”. As you
spin to see who they are referring to or if in fact you have a child that you
don’t know about, the simple truth dawns on you. Girl (MOTHAZ) in this town, at your age
– you’re supposed to be married. Yes married. Not dating in a happy
relationship, not single and travelling and achieving your career goals you
worked so hard for. You're supposed to be someone’s mother and wife and
possibly on the brink of entertaining a potential small house creeping on the
sidelines. For goodness sake even construction workers and windies are
respecting you!
It's possible from this one might infer that I’m bitter about not being married or why do I
hate the institution and so forth and so on. No, it’s not that, marriage is a
wonderful and beautiful thing when two adults decide that they want to be
together for the rest of their lives, few things can command such respect. But
it’s the whole idea when it feels so forced and pressured regardless of the
fact that a woman might not be ready for it even if she is the ripe old age of
....I must pause for effect ...as this age might strike fear in the hearts of
many and cause a nuclear meltdown the size of Chernobyl. The
traditional doctors must be called and the Holy water must be sprayed especially
when a woman is 27 years old.
So if
you are not ready to tie the knot just yet and are living in Harare surrounded
by professional knot-tiers here are a few tips. Relax all you post-modern
feminists, soon to be chauvinists, traditionalist and any other -ist, it’s a
joke (sort of)!and as President of the Petticoat Government, I order you to laugh at the random ridiculousness some times.
TIP 1
MOVE
COUNTRY OR PRETEND YOU HAVE JUST MOVED.
Well you
can tell yourself it’s cheaper in the long run, and your Diaspora ass lived 12 years in
the UK where the average age of getting married is 35. But this isn’t the “K”
sister! Besides, Air Zim won’t take off nearly in time for you to make your
escape. The solution is to pretend you have just come back from overseas and
tell those wretched tete’s you still haven’t unpacked your bags. What happened
is that the flight was delayed by about ten months so your groom in waiting
left you for another woman. Then when you got on the plane you discovered after
much alcohol that all the air hosts were gay, or in fear of being raped by a woman. However, you must emphasise that you are looking for a good Zimbabwean
man at this very wedding.
TIP 2
CONJUR UP A HUSBAND IN THE DIASPORA.
This idea will
work wonderfully for all you ladies who have just recently returned. Once the
tete's have practiced the cow horn formation and descended upon your home, table
at wedding or any location, inquiring about your lack of marriage plans.
Tell them that you’re married and they obviously didn't get the memo. Your
husband is currently living, insert country recently departed, and beef up the
story as you so please. This might keep them quiet, alternatively make them talk about how
Born Frees have lost their morals or encourage them to annoy some other
unsuspecting single relative!
TIP 3
ACQUIRE A NIGERIAN OR CHINESE HUSBAND.
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| WATCH OUT IN COMING ! |
Yes I know
ladies this may sound exactly the same as the previous tip, but they are different. Our lovely country has become very cosmopolitan
indeed, what with the Wongs and the Abubakkas, many of whom are in desperate
need of a wife. Now I'm not encouraging fraud, but why not kill two birds with
one stone? Marry a foreigner and the benefits could be endless. You
could become a kept woman, therefore no more awkward when-are-you-getting-married
questions. You could get the opportunity to travel and be a “cross-boarder-trader-youth-empowerment-entrepreneur” how patriotic. Ahh , a win/win
situation! Besides
if you get divorced all they'll say is “Zvinhu zvemazhingzhong hazvigare!”
[Chinese products don’t last]
TIP 4
BRING
UP THE TOPIC YOURSELF.
Offence is a good defence or something like that. You
need to apply Art of War principles at all social gatherings where marriage is
the central topic. Now how you play this card will depend on your sense of
humour and ability to bring up statistics like the divorce rate of doves and
chickens or how men are never faithful especially when a woman is pregnant,
there is always an aunt who went through that drama soak in the silence. Even perhaps how you're toying with the idea
of becoming a nun. See, a spiritual wife to God, no one will question you after
that. Well may be God, but that is between you and Him.
TIP 5
RUN.
Yes, physically run from the conversation. Take off your heels if you have to
and get out of there faster, faster, chop, chop. Sure they might think you have
mental issues or an upset stomach depending on how you clutch your heels as you
run. But know this - I will not see it as a sign of cowardice – run forest run!
TIP 6
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| OK TRUE STORY??? |
USE
H-METRO.
There’s not one person in Harare who doesn’t read that tabloid. Sure
you might not want to, or want to admit to it, but you do! Simply tell them
that the story they read/heard about the 30-something old man with the 81 year
old woman that man was your fiancée, since then you have had trust issues and
old women really freak you out, then give them an up down glance. Better if you
say that you want to be 81 so that you can meet the young man of your dreams.
But, whatever you do steer far away from topics of women involved in drunken
orgies, being with a man who was into bestiality or refer to random page
numbers and issues where you have not read the story – those kinds of admissions make you
the freak and ruin your reputation irrevocably. Then you'll really be in H-Metro.
TIP 7
BRING BACKUP.
Have a cute male friend, who doesn't mind
being your plus one, and he can field the awkward questions from the aunts! A
small dose of testosterone has been known to calm and dispel discomfort caused
by high levels of oestrogen. It takes one remotely charming guy
to get the aunts cooing and singing your praises when they might have been attacking
your constant lack of committed male arm candy.
TIP 8
BE THE
SMALL HOUSE.
Ok at your own risk be known as a home wrecker, who currently
resides in a leafy suburb, and a rich businessman or government official (or
both) has taken a liking to you and reserved you to be his mistress till the
day you die of a venereal disease. This is a risk because well, Harare is not
as big as you might assume and you will never ever be able to shop at another
flea market for the rest of your life. After the influential Desperate
Housewives Harare Mafia put an embargo on you – they will render your family,
dogs, cats, cockroaches, road runners, fruits, vegetables, gym, primary school,
high school, and university untouchable immoral vermin. The down side of this
is that one day you know you’ll want to shop at the flea market or a spring
fair at some school, but you can’t...no one will sell anything to you as all
shopping is DHHM monitored! Won’t be so funny then!
The
truth is we might want to dodge the conversation as often as we can, but there’s
no point getting irritated by other people’s expectations of you. Be confident
about your self-worth, married or not. For the most part I
don’t think it’s all malicious, it comes from how we were taught to define
success. As a result we are prone to play the game of compare and contrast
without really understanding the full picture of someone’s life; it is human
nature after all! Single ladies, be proud of what you have achieved in life,
and if you don’t want to get married it’s ok, if you want to get married and it
has not happened yet, it’s ok too, it will happen soon enough, probably when
you are not hunting for it so much. Understand that people are not going to
change their ideas just because you feel or think something different.
Furthermore, we will always be surrounded by unwanted advice or suggestions, so
deal with it and move on. In the
meantime have fun and laugh - you know you're prettier when you smile! Now
that’s advice you can take.
